My dad used to say “just put your feet on the floor”. 

As a kid I had a really hard time getting out of bed. Depression and anxiety have plagued me from a very young age and this was never as evident as when I opened my eyes to a world in which I felt I had no place. In my mind this phrase that my father used to utter has gone from a loathsome resentment, to a sort of acceptance peppered with hate, to a struggled realization, and finally landing at its true destination, as the cornerstone in which I live my life.

There are those that will take these words as a deep rooted philosophy on the manner in which you should conduct yourself, “show up and the rest will fall into place”. Others, of course, will take this sort of thing on as a mantra, another turn of phrase on the positivity calendar that you inevitably toss out with rest of the garbage you accumulated that day. And truth be told, it would’ve been just as pointless to me if dad was trying to wax lyrical with me at 8 o’clock in the fucking morning when what I really needed was a man to stop me from thinking and give me some guidance. 

No, my dad is not the type to talk in idioms or smooth it out with you over a beer and some Bon Dylan. He meant these words literally. And when I say literally I don’t mean “literally”as a way to make you think about how true this statement is, like “we should all go put our feet on the floor, wherever we are” (cue the sitar music). I mean LITERALLY. Like literally put your feet on the floor in the morning. And I took it that way. It got to the point where I was so deep in the habit of putting my feet on the floor first thing in the morning that I’d sling ‘em off the bed, body contorted, head still smushed into the pillow and I’d FALL BACK ASLEEP! I guess the point hadn’t quite sunk in yet. Nor could I have known the gravity of those six words as a boy, and certainly not the effect they would have on my life. It was that anxiety anchored in a sort of stubborn resolve that dad was attempting to lift me from, a world in which I felt I had no place. Ironically now, the nature of who I am wasn’t hard won by the long journey of what I did after I got up, but detailed in the very words themselves. 

It’s been years since I’ve heard these words as coined by the man himself but as time pushes forward and the ocean of memories washes away, signaling another life lived and ready to be forgotten, this I will never forget.