I just got married. And in the last month, as my wife and I escaped the daily grind that is life in Toronto, doing everything we possibly can to plan for the future and completely missing the present, I feel like I’ve woken up for the first time.

Now I know how that must sound and it’s at about this point where you might say “Kev’s going crayyyy-zzeeee”, but just bare with me for a second. I think I am going crazy, and I think it might just be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Let me give you a little background. First, I never wanted to get married. The thought of marriage was so repulsive to me from such an early age that I remember telling my mom when I was nine years old that I’ll never get married or have kids. Bringing me to my second point, I never wanted to have kids either. I always saw the straight and arrow path that involved settling down and having kids as one that removed you from life’s most potent adventures and made you much older, much faster. And lastly, I never wanted to work. Maybe that’s because I had to work odd jobs from an early age to make ends meet so I associated work with something I had no power over. Or maybe it’s because I had a bad relationship with money and responsibility. Who knows. The fact is, I never wanted any of this.

I also used to piss my pants, believe in ghosts, have someone else tie my shoes, and take baths instead of showers.

So then why is it that we can learn some things so easily and exchange the way we did them in the past for a newer and better version, yet sometimes our stubborn nature grabs parts of us and holds on for dear life? You know the part of you that I’m talking about. The part that says “this is who I am” or “this is how I do it”. Can I give you the same advice that I gave myself? GROW THE FUCK UP!

After grinding away in a life that was entirely unfulfilling only to do everything in my power to stay on course I ended up broke, heartbroken, depressed and directionless. Oh ya, I also had ulcers that had me puking up blood coupled with crippling anxiety until I finally had a full blown panic attack on my way to work one day. All for the sake of saying “this is who I am and this is how I do it”.

Looking back it’s actually easy to see how I spiralled into such a mess. I was unwilling to change. I was unwilling to make real sacrifices, or to dedicate myself fully, so that I might have a better life. Sure I worked 40 hours a week while I was in school full time trying to hold onto a relationship and still stay healthy. Sure I got promoted at that job, passed all my classes and discovered a new career path that had me traveling an hour both ways for un unpaid internship that I was more than willing to do. I pushed myself so hard without ever taking into consideration whether or not it was even necessary and blindly went after an idea of “me” that was never mine in the first place. Until that grind had me grinding to a screeching halt and with it, all that I had been working so hard to hold up.

What an idiot.

If only I could’ve accepted myself for who I was a little more instead of trying to cultivate an identity that made me feel insecure about who I actually was. When you’re so hell bound on holding up the illusion that is “you”, YOU never actually get to shine the way YOU were meant to. So the years go by and the weight gets greater until the glass finally shatters revealing that it was never real all along. It brings you to your knees and holds you to account for all the years you spent idle, passing off your procrastination like it was hard work.

Don’t make that same mistake.

The hard work is in accepting yourself, independent of what anyone else might think. It requires letting go of any preconceived notions of a life that you once inhabited and fulfilling a part of you that never got any light because you were terrified what the world was going to say when they saw it. Get out of your head. Unplug. Get back in touch with nature and silence and family so that you can get back in touch with your own heart.

Who knows?! You might just meet your dream girl and feel truly awake for the first time.