On Control
When I was young I tried to control everything.
Terrified of letting go like so many of us are I sought to control how people saw me. I fought tooth and nail to not expose myself honestly for what I really was because I didn’t want people to know that I was suffering with depression and anxiety. So instead, I put on airs and played a character in a game. I spoke half truths and had no problem spinning a story to fit my narrative, trying to paint myself in a good light. And as time went on I actually thought I was pretty good at it. I faked my way through social situations and lied to the people I love. I ducked any real conversations about the future as I knew deep down that I was entirely unequipped to deal with the struggle associated with making something of myself. I floated on the surface of a life that got me nowhere. And after so many years of carrying the weight of this strange avatar I had created I came to realize a few very important things:
Nobody cares! For as long as I could remember I was at the centre of my own little universe trying to save my ego the difficulty of realizing the truth; your fear is an illusion. Nobody is looking at you. Nobody cares.
Lead a fake life and you will lose yourself along the way. To live your life as a caricature is to simultaneously chip away at the things that make you unique in an attempt to further convince yourself that who you really are is of no value.
People see right through you. This is perhaps the most powerful point as it makes you take a good look a yourself in the mirror. People know when you’re lying. We know when we’re being deceived. And when you’re attempting to portray an honest character while being anything but, it’s one of the most surefire ways to alienate yourself as a distrustful person.
Needless to say this kind of life left me angry and alone, feeling worthless. Until after years of ignore my fathers sage advice to ‘put my feet on the floor’ I finally began to take it seriously. You see, my dad doesn’t care for this kind of language. He’s not the kind of dude to ruminate on the finer points of the psyche as he’s too busy living his damn life! So he never had much to offer in the realm of deep philosophical discussion. And thank god for that because I have enough introspection for the two of us. Instead, my pop encouraged me to get out of my head and act. Stop thinking and just do it. That’s when you’ll find what you’re looking for and the beautiful part, when you finally have the answers in your grasp, you won’t need them anymore.
It’s easy to find yourself living a life that feels foreign to you. With so many options, so many voices and so many distractions it’s no wonder why so many people roll over and let someone else make their decisions for them. But it’s not the only option.
You could be brave. You could be honest and think for yourself. You could follow your heart without fear of judgement. It’s not the easy path. It will have you questioning everything. It may put your career and your relationships at risk and it might just turn your entire world upside down. But it’s also a surefire way to realize your potential, connect with others, build honest and lasting relationships and to accept yourself for who you really are.
If we all see through each others bullshit anyways, then why not just be yourself?